


Wake

by feelslikefire



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 13:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2430836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelslikefire/pseuds/feelslikefire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sousuke told Rin he'd "think about it," Rin probably didn't think Sousuke meant it quite so seriously. But Sousuke never does anything by halves. Post-series "ending" fic for Sousuke in which Sousuke goes on a journey to find a dream of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Friedcheesemogu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Friedcheesemogu/gifts).



> Written for the lovely [Friedcheesemogu](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Friedcheesemogu/pseuds/Friedcheesemogu), who has had a rough couple of weeks, and who loves Sousuke more than any other character. Beta'd by [circ_bamboo](joannaestep.tumblr.com</a>%20and%20edited,%20as%20always,%20by%20my%20shining%20star,%20<a%20href=).

The thing is—

The thing is that Sousuke doesn’t usually make decisions spur-of-the-moment like this. Maybe that’s good, this time.

He’s sitting on a park bench in Tokyo; his train home to his parents’ town leaves in the morning. Sousuke came to Tokyo to see Rin off—he starts at the University of Sydney next week, and they spent a few days in Toyko together as a send-off. But now Rin is six hours in the air, and their good-bye sits like a stone in Sousuke’s stomach. It’s weighted down with all the things he wanted to say to Rin and didn’t, but while Sousuke stands firm in his reasoning, the unspoken words are so much heavier than he’d thought they would be. Heavier than he’d thought possible.

Sousuke is holding himself to the same standard and expectations he’d laid at Haru’s feet: Rin is strong, Rin is talented, Rin is _special_ , and anyone who really loves him will do everything in their power to make sure nothing stands in the way of Rin achieving his dream. If someone has to be weighed down by Sousuke’s feelings, it’s better that it’s Sousuke than Rin. So when Rin lingered at the security checkpoint, staring uneasily at Sousuke, his eyes suspiciously wet again, Sousuke had smiled and told him _good luck_ , and had kept the other, more important words to himself, safe inside him where they can’t hold Rin back.

But now, sitting on this bench and staring at his hands, Sousuke finds that he can’t stomach the idea of just getting on his train in the morning and resigning himself to diminishing into nothing, while Rin and his other friends pursue their goals and dreams. He’d fixed his heart on swimming with Rin again, and he’d _done_ that, swam the relay with his oldest friend even despite his injury. Sousuke had thought that achieving that would satisfy him, that it would mend the hole in his heart that being left behind by all his team-mates had torn open—and for a little while, it had. He’d been happy, light-hearted, even, the remainder of their last year of high school, but looking back now, Sousuke realizes that it was really just being around Rin that gave him that buoyancy. And now that Rin’s gone, he’s sinking again.

More than anything he wants to get on a plane, wants to follow Rin to Sydney, wants to be there with him and share more successes with him. But he can’t do that to Rin. Not the way he is right now. He can’t lean on Rin anymore, or ask Rin to hold him up. He has to figure something out for himself first.

But what? His shoulder—though better than at the regional competition—is still shot, and more importantly, even if he takes the entire next year off for rotator cuff surgery and a dedicated rehab regimen, Sousuke doesn’t think that he can take up his dream of competitive swimming again. Just thinking about trying leaves a sour taste in his mouth. But he has no idea what else to do.

 _I’ll think about it,_ he’d said to Rin, after Rin had made Ai captain of the swim team for the next year. Rin’s sullen expression sits behind Sousuke’s eyes, evidence of his friend’s stubborn refusal to accept Sousuke’s “plan” for his life. Well, Sousuke’s thinking about it now. He can’t swim, and neither can he just go back home and rot, but he has literally no idea what else to do with himself.

Sousuke takes out his phone and stares at it, as though its tiny screen holds the secrets of the problems baffling him right now. Unlocking it, he flips idly through the various apps and programs, his mind a blank. He lets his attention wander, listening to the sounds of the city around him: the people walking by on the sidewalk, the noise of cars and trains and buses. Over the sounds of the city comes drifting an unfamiliar mess of words: it’s—not English, maybe… German? He can’t quite tell.

Sousuke turns his head to look, and he spots the tourists almost immediately. They’re young, maybe his age, sandy-haired and tall, a boy and a girl. They’re both wearing walking shoes and large back-packs, the kind you wear for multi-day camping trips. As Sousuke watches, they have a fast, lively discussion about something, and then the girl digs out a camera and starts taking pictures. It’s so ridiculous and mundane that for a few seconds Sousuke doesn’t even really notice them, but as the tourists finish their discussion and start walking again, something about them catches his attention.

There are buttons on their backpacks. Some of the buttons are large, others barely the size of his thumbnail, but it’s the pictures and images on the buttons that really catch his eye. Some of them are flags (he recognizes Malaysia, Japan, China, and the UK) and some of them are photos (the Eiffel Tower, the Golden Gate Bridge), but after a few seconds he realizes that they are souvenirs—mementos of places the couple have visited, presumably together. The idea of such a massive trip (or so many smaller trips!) stuns him, and for maybe twenty seconds all he can do is stare after the couple, wishing that he knew their language so he could ask them where they’ve been.

He doesn’t, though. Instead, he watches them walk away, and once they’re finally out of his sight, Sousuke gets up and uses his phone to find the nearest big book store, the kind that will have a travel section. He stays there till close, pouring through book after book, staring at the photos and taking notes, a feverish idea taking hold of him.

Sousuke might not know what he wants to do with himself, but he might, just might, have thought of a way to figure it out.

* * * * *

His parents don’t really understand. Sousuke can’t blame them, really. But they don’t argue with him, either, and his mother even seems relieved. They’ve been worried about him, too, in their own way. His father insists on giving him some money in addition to the savings Sousuke already had, and his mother insists on buying his plane tickets, which is embarrassing but much appreciated. The amount of paperwork and planning involved is insane; even more insane is the fact that he gives himself three weeks to arrange everything before his plane leaves.

Sousuke settles on New Zealand followed by Australia; they’re close by, and tickets are not cheap but they aren’t as expensive as most of his other options, either. The fact that Rin is in Sydney informs his decision, but only to a limited degree, and so Australia is second on the itinerary, not first. His return ticket to Japan is open-ended, and his visas for New Zealand and Australia are both good for 12 months after entry into the respective countries. Sousuke does not expect to be gone for that long, but the option is there. If he wants it. Sousuke doesn’t think too much about it, because there’s plenty of other things to plan for.

This is how Sousuke arrives at Auckland International Airport with an over-stuffed backpack, a headache from the air pressure change, and no idea where he’s going to sleep that night, much less do with himself while he’s here. He hadn’t gotten quite that far in his planning. But he’ll just have to figure it out. The challenge excites him a little, and he shoulders his bag with renewed determination.

He finds a hostel to stay in that night, a five-story building near the city center that seems to have good amenities, and after dropping his bag in his room, for lack of anything better to do, he goes down to the common area and restaurant on the ground floor. Sousuke’s English is only so-so—better than many of his classmates’, but not as good as Rin’s—but what he really lacks is a good conversation starter. So (after a few minutes furtively observing the other people present) he gets a beer and retires to one of the tables against the wall, listening to the steady _thud-thud_ beat of whatever pop song is playing on the loudspeaker, and just watches.

It doesn’t take long before a girl approaches him, blonde and cheerful with a heart-shaped face. “Hey there,” she says in accented English. “Is it alright if I sit here with you? My friends will be along in a bit.”

“That is fine,” Sousuke says after a moment.

“Great! Thank you!” The girl beams at him, and then disappear; she returns in a few minutes with a beer of her own. She hops onto the tall barstool and opens her rucksack, pulling a travel dictionary as well as several pamphlets out of it and setting them on the table. Sousuke watches with interest. The pamphlets show lots of different pictures: some of caves, some of tall-masted boats, another of several beaming tourists wearing wetsuits and holding surfboards.

“We’re going to sign up for a tour,” the girl says conversationally, “but I don’t know which one. Are you doing a tour too?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” says Sousuke. “I just got here today.”

“Oh excellent! Where are you from? I’m from Finland. My name is Rinja.” She says it _Rin-yah_ , which makes Sousuke like her for reasons that he knows are dumb, but she seems nice anyway. “No one seems to say it right, though. When I was in Oz everyone called me ‘Rinja the Ninja.’ It’s very, how do you say…” Rinja sighs and makes a face. “Sorry, my English isn’t very good.”

Sousuke smiles. “Mine is not very good also,” he says. “I’m Sousuke, I am from Japan.”

“Oh, I haven’t been there yet! What’s it like?”

“Uh…”

This is how Sousuke finds himself meeting not only Rinja, but also her friends Ulrike, Annika, Bone, and Charles. Ulrike is from Germany, while Annika and Bone are from the Netherlands, and like Rinja they are tall, blond, and fair-skinned. Charles is black, shorter than Sousuke, and from London. He’s very funny, and also clearly trouble, since he somehow manages to convince all four of them to sign up for a tour with him that leaves the very next morning at 6 am. The bus will take them on a 2-day trip northwards, and in addition to hiking several interesting trails it will involve both sea kayaking and bungee-jumping.

It is the first, but not the last, in a series of terrible and entertaining ideas that Sousuke agrees to. But when he drags himself out of bed the next morning to find Rinja already chattering away happily with Annika downstairs in front of the bus stop, it’s hard to mind very much. Charles appears within minutes, carrying several styrofoam cups, and he holds one out to Sousuke, who takes it bemusedly. “What is it?” Sousuke asks.

“It’s a flat white,” says Charles unhelpfully. “Thought you’d need a pick-me-up, long day ahead!”

The flat white turns out to be a kind of espresso drink, smooth and rich. Sousuke doesn’t really like coffee much, but Charles put enough sugar in it to rot every tooth in his mouth, and since no one is here to care, Sousuke sips on it as Auckland rolls away past them outside the bus windows.

It’s about a 3-hour drive to their first stop. Sousuke’s new friends spend most of it talking, and Sousuke is happy to listen. It takes a lot of mangled English and references to their battered travel dictionaries, but they get by, and with surprising speed. It turns out that only Bone of his new friends is as fresh a traveler as Sousuke is, having left the Netherlands just a week before Sousuke departed Japan. The others have already been traveling for months, visiting a list of other countries before arriving in New Zealand that makes Sousuke’s head spin. When Rinja mentions casually how long she’s been gone for, Sousuke’s eyes go wide.

“Seven months?” he repeats incredulously. “But what about school? Your friends?”

Rinja shrugs. “It’ll all be there when I go back,” she says.

“But how do you pay for it?”

“Well I saved up before I left, but I work some too, you know? What kind of visa did you get?”

“Uh…”

“Was it a work-and-holiday visa?” Charles asks. That sounds familiar. Sousuke nods, feeling sort of dumb for not knowing this stuff already, but _getting_ to New Zealand was really what he was focused on. “Good stuff. You can do it too, you know, take some part-time or temporary work to save up more money for travel. Loads of people do it.”

“Like what?” The longer they talk, the more questions Sousuke has, and for once his insecurity about his English doesn’t stop him. He wants to know not just about the cost, but also about what someone _does_ when traveling for that long. The idea is as amazing as it is terrible, and it fills him with a strange longing. This must be what Rin meant, when he told Sousuke about going to Australia: realizing just how big the world is, and how much is out there, and how that changed him.

Sousuke decides that morning that unless he can’t afford it or it’s more than half-likely to kill him, that he’s going to try everything suggested to him—no matter how unappealing it might sound at first. He’s here on a mission, after all: find a new dream, one he can be proud to tell Rin about.

One that will give him the strength to tell Rin how he really feels.

* * * * *

As it turns out, the bus tour they signed up for is more free-form that Sousuke had expected. The driver drops them off in Paihia, gives them a list of vendors who will give them a discounted price if they show their bus passes, and then takes off. Ulrike has already arranged for a van rental (an activity done so casually that Sousuke wonders if he’s taking his life in his hands when he piles in the back with the others), and after a brief stop for actual breakfast, they take off.

Their first stop is Ninety Mile Beach. It’s a long, _long_ piece of white sand that stretches away north, and the grade is so shallow that it’s almost like walking into a pool. Charles reads the entry about it from their travel guide out loud, and then Ulrike parks their van right on the beach to let them all get out, taking pictures and splashing in the water.

It turns out they’ve timed it wrong, however, and it isn’t until Sousuke has noted with alarm how quickly the tide is creeping up the sand towards them that they realize they might have trapped themselves. His fears increase when they see more than one car-skeleton peeking out of marshy weeds, parked in vain as far away from the tide as possible. They all throw themselves back into the van, yelling and laughing insanely as Ulrike drives madly up the beach, racing to get to a break in the tall grass that lets them off the beach before the sea rises up and drowns their van. They make it, but not before they nearly wipe out from taking a rise in the sand-dunes too quickly, and Sousuke’s hands hurt later from his white-knuckled grip on the arm rests during their bid for freedom.

It’s stupid and foolish. It’s also more fun than he would have believed possible. He can’t wait to tell Rin about it, when he gets the chance.

They follow up this misadventure with a trip to a lighthouse at the very tip of the north island, with a view of what looks like all the water in the world. Sousuke has seen the ocean before, of course; Japan is not a landlocked country. But the wind and the vast expanse of water here makes it feel different, wild, like he’s at the very edge of the known world. He stands at the look-out point and stares west across the Tasman Sea, towards Australia, and he wonders what the weather is like in Sydney.

* * * * *

That night, the five of them split a room at a hostel in Paihia. Sousuke slips away from his new friends after dinner, finds a computer in the cafe, and pays for an hour on it. He sits and thinks awhile on it before he starts typing his email.

He sent Rin one message before he left Japan, letting him know that he’d be going on a trip, but giving no other details. Rin had written him back, congratulating him and asking for Sousuke to tell him about it when he gets time. Sousuke wonders if he’s imagining that the email seems a little strained, or if Rin has things he’s holding back from saying too.

Sousuke thinks about the nights he and Rin spent together before Rin left, nights watching movies or playing video games. Rin always ended up practically in Sousuke’s lap, his head pillowed on Sousuke’s shoulder. Sousuke was always careful not to move when Rin happened to fall asleep, preferring to let his muscles cramp and the need to pee become unbearable before he’d nudge Rin awake, or cough enough to startle him. They never talked about it, never kissed, never said a word about what was hanging between them.

He says nothing about those nights. Instead, he tells Rin about the color of the ocean, and the taste of the food, and how friendly his fellow travelers are. He sends Rin pictures of Auckland and boats, a sparkling emerald sea and huge Kauri trees, one of Rinja’s “jumping” photos and Bone’s best “ugly tourist” face, and then he logs off the computer and goes back to his room. Sousuke is drawn back into the conversation almost immediately, and he lets his new friends talk, letting their enthusiasm wash over him.

* * * * *

The time passes, like beads of water dripping out of a glass. Days turn into weeks, which turn into a month, then two. Sousuke tries everything he can think of or comes across, and it wins him many new friends, as well as an ever-growing list of stories to share. His address book fills up, as does his email list, and he slowly starts to run out of space on the little USB drive he brought with him for photos.

Though he’d originally thought about splitting his time equally between New Zealand and Australia, Sousuke finds himself staying in New Zealand for reasons he can’t articulate well till much after the fact. He jumps out of a plane above Lake Taupo, and over the sound of the wind screaming in his ears he sees the world thrown wide beneath him, the Tasman Sea on one side of the country and the mighty Pacific on the other. He hikes over a volcano in a national park, and soaks his aching muscles that night in a hot-tub at the lodge at the foot of the mountain. He stays at a Maori lodge, and learns to do the Haka with a group of other travelers. He goes to the glow-worm caves in Waitomo, and crawls through the darkness with his Kiwi tourguides, staring dumb-founded at the subterranean stars glittering on the cave roof above him.

Camping out on sandy beaches, night hikes to hard-to-reach hot water springs, rafting trips down pristine rivers—all of it invigorates and exhausts him. All of it is documented in photos and small notes, and it is these bits and pieces he sends to Rin, every time he can find a computer or borrow a laptop for thirty or sixty minutes.

After a week or two, though, he starts to get emails from more than just Rin. Momo and Ai email him too, demanding to hear about his trip, and so Sousuke starts sending them his emails too, warmed more than he would have expected by their excitement. But he always makes sure to send a separate email to Rin, and no matter how exciting his day was, the sight of a new message in his inbox from “Matsuoka Rin” always makes his heart skip a beat.

He does more than just tourist activities, though. Sousuke signs up through a co-op group to stay with a family that owns a farm and wants a little extra seasonal help. They live in a tidy little two-story house near the coast, and their land is equal parts crop fields and gently-rolling hills dotted with trees, like something out of a movie set. Sousuke stays with the Morgans for only three weeks, sleeping in their guest bedroom, but they treat him like a long-lost child. Shelly, the farm matriarch, fusses over him in the mornings and makes him gigantic meals that he would never be able to eat if he weren’t helping her oldest son Mark in the yard every day till two pm. The rest of his time he spends exploring the property with the Morgan siblings, hiking in the verdant woods and fields and wading in the vivid water down along the beach.

On his last night, they build a huge bonfire out in the yard, and Patrick, Shelly’s husband, teaches Sousuke the Maori word for family, and how it means a family that extends beyond just blood relatives. Shelly gives him a bone carving necklace shaped like a Koru fern, a symbol of rejuvenation and new beginnings, and everyone graciously understands that Sousuke’s damp eyes are just because of the smoke from the fire.

As beautiful and exciting as his trip is, though, one thing starts to stand out to him. No matter where he is or who he’s with—hiking alone in the majesty of a national park or surrounded by screaming fans at a rugby match, rafting over a waterfall or wandering through a sea of people at a museum—Sousuke finds himself feeling alone. It’s not totally a bad thing; he comes to cherish his days spent alone, contemplating some new discovery or magical view. But over and over the thought comes back to him, that the sights and experiences would mean that much more if he had someone to share it with.

Someone in particular.

* * * * *

Even beyond the sea change of his many new experiences, there are two events that stand out. The first is while he is still new New Zealand; the second comes later.

The first is just a few weeks after arriving in New Zealand. He and Rinja and Bone are at Waiheke Island off the coast by Auckland, renting sea kayaks for the day. It’s a very informal sort of trip, no guide, just a brief how-to lesson at the beginning of the rental to show them how to use the canoes and then a warning about not kayaking too far away from the island.

It’s Bone who breaks that rule, albeit inadvertently. He’s excited by the sight of dorsal fins to the east, and he paddles that way without considering the strong current just fifty yards out. Sousuke is on shore, pulling his kayak up the beach, when he hears Bone’s shout of dismay and turns in time to see his kayak tip over. Sousuke has dashed into the water without a second thought, not even listening to Rinja’s distressed cry behind him before he dives beneath the sea.

His shoulder hurts, of course, but Sousuke switches to freestyle without thinking about it to ease the pain. He’s out to where Bone is in under thirty seconds, and pulls Bone to the surface, his friend gasping frantically for air as he flails. Sousuke gets the kayak second, and swims both Bone and their rented boat to shore, and it’s only when Sousuke reaches shore again and catches sight of Rinja’s stunned expression that he even stops to think.

“Holy shit,” says Bone. He stumbles shakily onto the sand, and then topples over, looking dazed. “Holy shit.”

“How did you do that?” Rinja demands. She splashes out to her knees, helping Sousuke pull the kayak up the sand. “What was that? You swim so—so good!”

Sousuke looks away, embarrassed. “It’s nothing,” he mutters. “I was…” He frowns, and shakes his head, wishing for his travel dictionary; it’s back at their hostel to save it from getting wet, naturally. It isn’t till later in the day when they get back that Rinja is able to properly communicate her question ( _were you a lifeguard?_ ) and Sousuke the answer ( _I was on the swim team_ ).

The questions that come after that are harder. _Why did you stop?_ He doesn’t want to talk about it. But their casual acceptance that he’s here to find something else surprises him, as does Bone’s eager request for Sousuke to give him some swimming lessons. Sousuke is even more surprised at himself when he agrees.

He supposes it isn’t that weird, when he reflects on the circumstances later. Rinja and Bone are here searching for something they couldn’t find at home, just like him. For them it’s adventure or stimulation, as opposed to a dream to replace the one he broke, but their mindset isn’t that different from his. They’re all just looking for something.

* * * * *

Leaving New Zealand is harder than he’d expected.

He already changed his ticket to Sydney twice, putting it off by a month each time, but as much as fun as he’s having, Sousuke can slowly feel himself getting overwhelmed. He both badly wants to go back to Japan, and never wants to leave New Zealand, ever. Mostly what he wants (drawn out of him by an overly-solicitous Shelly Morgan and then reflected on several times after the fact) is to just have some space to himself, time to breathe and keep his head down. A couple of times he pays the extra expense to have a room to himself in a hostel for a night or three, as a short reset. But his money won’t last forever, and neither will his endurance, and he _cannot_ go back to Japan without going to see Rin, no matter what happens, so he finally books his plane ticket—this time for good.

Sousuke spends his last two days in Wellington, surrounded by a good half-dozen people he’s met along the way. Rinja, Charles, and Bone are there, Ulrike having already left for the US; also there is Phil, a Welshman with a wicked sense of humor, and Del, short for Delianna, a bespectacled girl from Malaysia who is more fearless than anyone Sousuke has ever met. (She’s the one who convinced him to go skydiving, despite the fact she’s the one who screamed all the way down.) They go out for a few drinks, even though Sousuke hasn’t really developed a taste for alcohol yet, and Sousuke spends one last night soaking in the warm enthusiasm of people who were, until recently, total strangers. As usual, he has very little to add himself, but it doesn’t stop him from enjoying the noise and camaraderie.

He sits quietly the next morning with his bag in the airport in Wellington, idly fingering the bone carving at his throat. Sousuke still doesn’t think he’s found what he’s looking for, yet, but now he has something all to himself that he found completely on his own, and he feels that much stronger for it.

On impulse, Sousuke gets up from his seat and goes to find one of the computer terminals in the airport, paying for thirty minutes of internet use and pulling open his email. He sends Rin another message, telling him that he’ll be out of touch for two weeks on a camping trip, and not to worry. It’s a lie, but Sousuke can’t quite bring himself to tell Rin he’ll be in Australia yet.

He’s not ready to face Rin yet. Not because he’s angry, or because he doesn’t want to see Rin, but Sousuke knows that the next time he sees his friend face-to-face, he won’t be able to hold back the things he wants to say anymore, and he doesn’t feel ready for that conversation yet.

But he thinks he will be, soon. He just needs a little more time.

* * * * *

The second big thing that happens to Sousuke occurs just two days after his arrival in Oz.

Sousuke spends the first day in Sydney just wandering around—Darling Harbor, the Royal Botanical Gardens, the ferries, the Opera House. He keeps wondering if he’s going to run into Rin just walking down the street, and while that’s sort of silly considering he knows the part of town he’s in is the tourist district and Rin’s school is elsewhere in the city, he can’t quite help himself. But no one bothers him, and he lets himself be just another face in the crowd, soaking up the city.

He’s staying in another hostel, and despite how much he likes Sydney he’s still thinking mournfully of the country he just left behind (how did it come to feel like home so quickly, when he’s still so home-sick for Japan?) when he sees a sign in the lobby area of his hostel for surfing lessons at Manly Beach. It piques his attention, since surfing was one of the few things he didn’t get around to doing in New Zealand—the day he was in the little surf town of Raglan, it stormed like crazy, forcing everyone indoors to read books or watch old movies.

So he signs up for it, not thinking too much about it. He certainly isn’t expecting anything like the day he has.

When Sousuke arrives at the beach to join the other people in that day’s workshop, the blond, tanned instructor is waiting for them. His cheerful Australian accent is similar but not quite the same as the Kiwi one Sousuke has grown used to, but Sousuke’s English has improved somewhat since he left Japan three months ago and he has little difficulty in following the instructions.

It’s still mid-summer in Australia, so they don’t need wet suits, going into the ocean in just their swim suits. Sousuke brought his swim suit with him from Japan, of course, having no use for the boardshorts-style swimsuits more casual swimmers favor. Sousuke’s shoulder has seen much improvement over the past 3 months of rest and careful use, combined with a set of rehab exercises he dutifully completes five times a week, and so he has almost no pain as he paddles out on his rented surfboard, belly to the waxed surface.

It takes him a couple of tries to manage even a moment of balancing on his longboard, but when he does—the first time he stays standing on his feet, and feels the water rise underneath him like a living thing, buoying him and pushing him forward—it’s such a rush that he lasts only ten seconds before his own giddiness gets the best of him and he wipes out into the water. He thrashes to the surface immediately, gasping and clawing for his board.

“Nice work,” calls the instructor, waving at him from where he stands knee-deep in the surf. “Get back up and try again, yeah? Looks like you’re getting the hang of it!”

Sousuke does not, in fact, get the hang of it. Not right away, at least. But he _has_ gotten a taste for it, and instead of the one day he’d initially planned to spend surfing, he spends a week straight, shelling out the money for the full package of surfing lessons, the better to speed his learning curve. By his second week in Sydney, he has spent eleven straight days at the beach, doing nothing but obsessively practicing his surfing. By the time week the start of week three has rolled around, he’s hooked _and_ improving dramatically.

His addiction does not go unnoticed. His surf instructor Davy, he of the deep tan and ridiculously blond hair, takes Sousuke aside at the end of his last lesson. “Alright, you gotta tell me what your secret is,” Davy says. Sousuke looks at him uncertainly. “You’re a natural in the water, but you said you’ve never surfed before. What the deal?”

“I was on the swim team in high school,” Sousuke says after a moment, wary.

“That explains a bit of it,” says Davy. “But you swam in the ocean too, yeah? Pool swimmers don’t always do so hot in the open water.”

“Yes, the ocean too,” says Sousuke. Davy looks pleased, and though Sousuke gives no sign, he cannot help but feel a little proud. Davy surfs the way Rin swims, like he was made for the ocean, and it’s been a long time since Sousuke felt proud of his work in the water, instead of only hurt and frustrated.

“Excellent. Well, either way, I got an offer for you, assuming you’re stickin’ around.” Sousuke looks at Davy, eyebrows going up. Davy walks with him a little way from the other students, gesturing. “Summer’s our busiest season here, and everyone and their brother wants to learn to surf and swim. I’d love to hire you as a swim instructor, if you can pass a few safety tests. And there’s a few surf competitions coming up for amateurs—you should think about entering, I think you’d do fantastic.”

“Yes,” says Sousuke immediately. “Yes, I’ll do it.” The speed with which he responds surprises him, as does his certainty in his answer, but he has no impulse to take it back.

Davy grins, wide and cheerful. “Fantastic,” he says; Sousuke thinks it is his favorite word. “We’ll get your paperwork all sorted and get you started right away.”

“Thank you very much,” Sousuke says, and bows. Davy claps him on the shoulder.

“No worries, mate,” he says. “My pleasure.”

Sousuke sees no point in correcting him.

* * * * *

The panic attack has the decency to wait until he’s back in the room at his hostel. Sousuke is just glad that no one is hanging out at this time of day, so that he can have a short freak-out in privacy. Why did he take the job so quickly? Why didn’t he take time to think about it? How is he going to teach anything when he can barely ask for what he needs in English half the time?

Davy already has most of these things considered, naturally. He’s been doing this for awhile, hiring part-time or short-term teachers in the country on work-and-holiday visas. He drops off some paperwork for Sousuke later that afternoon, along with a note explaining that Sousuke would only be expected to teach the many Japanese tourists that his company sees, at least until he’s comfortable enough with English to take on other students—if he decides to stay that long. The note also says that Sousuke should take the weekend to think about it, and get back to Davy on Monday. The additional information does much to ease Sousuke’s anxiety.

After that, his decision seems to construct itself. There’s only one thing left to do, one unknown factor left before he makes his choice.

Sousuke emails Rin, asking if he’d like to get coffee the next day; he includes the number for the SIM card he got upon reaching Australia, as well. The text message arrives barely 30 minutes later, in English instead of Japanese: _WHERE ARE YOU?_

Sousuke gives himself a minute to enjoy that quietly before he sends his response. _At a hostel downtown_ , is what he sends back.

Rin’s next message comes back immediately, as indignant as the first, and it takes maybe five minutes for Sousuke and Rin to agree to meet at the Gloria Jean’s on Oxford Street. Sousuke grabs a sweatshirt but leaves it unzipped, since the night is warm and he’ll be walking. Rin is coming from the dorms at the university, so he’ll take slightly longer, which leaves Sousuke plenty of time to think of what he’s going to say.

Naturally, Sousuke gets there first. He gets a small coffee (a flat white, which makes him think of Charles and smile) and then retires to one of the tables in the corner, one where he has a view of the entrance. It only takes another ten minutes before the door swings open and a familiar trucker-hatted figure comes in.

For a second, Sousuke’s heart stops. Rin is—no, he’ll say it, if only to himself: Rin is _beautiful_.

He’s wearing jeans, a grey sweatshirt, and a t-shirt that says _Sydney Uni Swimming Club_ on it in big, faded letters; his hair falls in his face a little, and his intense expression verges on a scowl. That glower says that Rin is furious with him, and Sousuke can feel a smile tugging at his lips despite his anxiety. Rin glances around the coffee shop and then spots Sousuke tucked away in the back. His eyes fly open, and he stalks across the small space, weaving through the crowd of chattering people.

“You asshole,” says Rin when he gets within ten feet of Sousuke’s table. He says it in Japanese, and Sousuke is hit with such an intense swell of longing and desire that he has to grab the table to keep from knocking it over. After months of speaking English to strangers, hearing Rin talk to him is like coming home.

“Hi,” Sousuke says, instead.

“How long have you been in Australia?” Rin demands. He drops into the other chair, his knee brushing Sousuke’s under the table. It’s like an electric shock.

“A few weeks,” says Sousuke. Rin’s scowl deepens.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You said you were on a camping trip!”

“I lied,” says Sousuke, who is privately either dead and doesn’t know it or possibly just out of his mind. “I just wasn’t ready to see you yet.”

Rin’s eyes widen, and he colors, just a little. Out of the corner of his eye Sousuke can see Rin’s hand clench where it rests on his knee. “You were avoiding me,” he says; his voice sounds strange.

“No,” says Sousuke. “I wanted to see you. I was just scared.”

“Stop saying weird stuff,” Rin says roughly. “Why would you be scared of me?”

Sousuke makes a soft _hhrmph_ noise and smiles. Rin glares at him in return. Rin can’t tell, but despite the noise and clamor of a room full of people, the whole world has gone silent inside Sousuke’s head. Without even realizing it, Sousuke steels himself the same way he has moments before every other scary thing he’s done the last three months. _Just do it,_ he thinks.

“You’re acting so strangely, you need to cut it out,” Rin says. He gets to _need to_ when Sousuke reaches over, covers Rin’s hand on his knee with his own, and then presses his lips to Rin’s, soft but deliberate.

Rin freezes. After a moment, Sousuke pulls back to find Rin staring at him wide-eyed, mouth still slightly open. Sousuke starts to pull his hand away, but as soon as he tries Rin grabs it, clutching it tightly.

“S-Sousuke…” Rin swallows against the traitorous little waver in his voice. Sousuke automatically curls his hand around Rin’s, giving it a squeeze, and Rin shoots him an agonized look. “We’re in public!”

“Sorry,” says Sousuke, who is not sorry at all, not even a little. “I didn’t know how to say it.”

“You better figure it out,” Rin says menacingly, and Sousuke laughs.

“Alright,” he says, “but you’re right, not here. Uh, we can…”

“Somewhere private,” says Rin immediately. Sousuke nods, trying to pretend there’s not a fireworks show going off in his head just hearing that, and he leaves his half-finished coffee in the table and walks out the door with Rin, Rin’s hand still held firmly in Sousuke’s.

Outside on the pavement, Rin hails a taxi, and Sousuke offers to pay for a single room in the hostel he’s been staying it, just for that night. Rin only agrees after bullying Sousuke into letting Rin pay for half of it, and they head back in the cab. Rin keeps shooting Sousuke these hot, sidelong glances in the back of the cab, and it’s all Sousuke can do not to haul his oldest friend into his lap right now.

Sousuke means to explain himself, he really does. He’s been trying to think of words, and he even has some good ones; a simple, straight-forward explanation of how he feels. But once they get in the elevator up to the eighth floor, Rin shoves him against the wall and kisses him so hard that something breaks behind his eyes, and after that Sousuke has nothing resembling good explanations or common sense.

They barely make it to the room. Rin is endearingly clumsy in his haste, nearly tripping Sousuke as they stagger to the bed that is the sole occupant of this private suite. They wind up making out on top of it, Rin on top of Sousuke, Sousuke gathering up great handfuls of Rin’s muscled back under his t-shirt, kissing him until he’s drowning. They end with their hands down each other’s pants, and Sousuke will never, ever forget the hoarse, desperate sound of his own name on Rin’s lips.

Afterwards, Rin disappears into the bathroom to clean up. Sousuke turns on the TV, and when Rin comes out he crawls back onto the bed and slouches against Sousuke’s side, just how he always used to. Sousuke wraps his arm around Rin and tucks Rin’s head against his shoulder, and for a few minutes they just sit like that, quietly recovering.

Rin is the first to speak. “I wish you’d said something sooner,” he says. His tone would be surly if he didn’t still sound so lazy.

“I couldn’t,” Sousuke says. “I wasn’t ready. It would have been asking you to hold me up.”

“I’m your friend,” Rin says. He tips his face up to look at Sousuke, and Sousuke finds he has to reach out, cup Rin’s face in his hand, run his thumb along Rin’s cheekbone. “I would have done it. I would have been happy to.”

“I didn’t want to hold you back,” Sousuke says simply. Rin makes a disgusted noise, and Sousuke just smiles.

Apparently it’s a moot point, though, because Rin lets it drop. “So what’s changed?” he asks instead.

“I have, I guess,” says Sousuke. His mouth is open to say something else, but Rin’s face shifts subtly, something like fear passing over his features. “What? What did I say?”

“It’s nothing,” Rin says, too quickly. Sousuke looks at him, and Rin drops his gaze, hunching his shoulders a little.

“Rin,” Sousuke says gently, when Rin still hasn’t said anything. Rin’s jaw tightens.

“I thought you were going to forget about me,” he says finally. To Sousuke’s shock, Rin’s voice has gone hoarse again, but with an emotion very different from desire. His eyes are wet; as Sousuke watches, a tear slips down his cheek to his chin. “I thought—I thought you were leaving to find a new dream. And I wanted you to! But—”

Sousuke feels as though he’s been hit with one of the great brain-rattling waves surfers love to ride, the kind that drags you under and rolls you over and over till you don’t know which end is up. He’d hoped that Rin might feel similarly about him as Sousuke does about Rin, but he hadn’t even dreamed that Rin might actually be insecure about how _Sousuke_ feels.

“Rin,” he says gently, when Rin trails off again, his voice clogged with tears. “I wanted to be able to stand here and be proud to ask you for what I wanted. I wanted to be someone you’d boast about being with. Not the one holding you back.”

“You were never holding me back,” Rin says hotly.

“Either way,” says Sousuke. “I’m here now.”

“Yeah,” says Rin. He exhales heavily. “…How long are you staying for?”

“Well,” says Sousuke. “That kind of depends on you.”

Rin stares at him, eyes a little wide. It’s so distracting that Sousuke trails off, until Rin gestures, impatient. “Start talking,” Rin says.

“Okay,” says Sousuke, and kisses him to show he means it. Rin kisses back, and then Sousuke has to kiss him some more, and although they do eventually get around to talking, it takes them a few tries.

* * * * *

There’s plenty to sort out. But while before it felt like an uphill battle, now Sousuke finds it easy, even enjoyable, to sit and talk the details out with Rin.

Rin helps him go over the program details for the sports medicine and coaching psychology programs at University of Sydney. Sousuke had already looked up details at the University of Auckland, as a back-up plan; the surfing is better in Sydney, as is the company, but Sousuke had already known that if Rin had not reciprocated his feelings, Sousuke would not have wanted to stay in Australia at all, so he’d already come up with his back-up plan.

It turns out he’s already missed the application deadline for the second semester, but Sousuke finds he doesn’t much mind. He still has his work-and-holiday visa, and with the swimming job Davy has for him, plus the rest of his trip fund and whatever other work he can find, he should be alright. And the extra semester gives him plenty of time to get his application and student visa in order—not to mention enter a few surfing competitions while the weather is still warm.

Sousuke spends hours and hours telling Rin about everything he saw and did in New Zealand, and listening to Rin tell him about the parts of Australia Sousuke hasn’t gotten to yet. They sit together, half in each other’s laps, looking at pictures and laughing about absent friends and heat-of-the-moment mistakes. But although he’s happy to share his trip, Sousuke will never admit (out loud) how pleased he is when he takes Rin to Manly Beach and goes surfing with him, and Rin has nothing but excitement and admiration for Sousuke’s surfing. His satisfaction only increases when it turns out Rin, while a spectacular swimmer, can’t quite seem to get the hang of balancing on a longboard. He’s not _bad_ , but he doesn’t have the same knack for it that he does actually in the water.

“You’re too good at this,” Rin says, a touch disgruntled. They’re sitting on a towel on the beach at the end of an afternoon of surfing. Sousuke is trying not to be too distracted by the long clean lines of Rin’s body, or the way his wet hair sticks to his face.

“I’ve been practicing,” Sousuke says. Rin makes a face at him, and Sousuke just laughs.

They practice other things, too. Like their English (Rin is a thousand times better than Sousuke), their form (Sousuke finds the sting of leaving swimming is soothed by getting to spot Rin and advise him on his technique), and their lovemaking. Sousuke moves into an apartment with some other foreign students, while Rin stays in the dorm, and while it’s not the easiest to get time alone, it’s always worth it.

Sousuke misses Japan, of course. He misses his family, too. But now, whenever he wakes up, he finds that his days are filled with satisfaction and challenge, instead of only empty regrets. He has a thousand things to look forward to: meeting Rin’s Australian homestay family; introducing Rin to the Morgans (who keep in touch regularly via email); cheering Rin on at his swimming competitions, and hearing Rin cheer his name from the shore while Sousuke competes at surfing; pursuing this barely-awakened gift for teaching and mentoring that he’s slowly coming to love, the better to help other students like himself some day, to save some future athlete from the injury he sustained. Other things will come too: new friends he meets through surfing and school, reuniting with old friends passing through, trips into Australia, trips back to Japan, trips to other places he hasn’t even dreamed of yet, plus a thousand precious everyday moments shared with Rin.

Naturally, it won’t all be easy. But his three-month odyssey has changed him dozens of ways he’s barely even conscious of, until he finds himself steadfastly working through problems that would have frustrated or intimidated him before. And after jumping out of a plane three miles above the earth, climbing over a volcano, and confessing his feelings to the person he cares about more than anyone on earth, lots of everyday challenges seem more mundane now. More than anything else, Sousuke cherishes the realization that none of his goals mean as much by themselves as they do when he’s with Rin.

After all, anything worth having is worth working for. And if it means getting to share his challenges and successes with Rin, Sousuke will gladly work as hard as he has to.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic in less than a week. It kind of sprang forth fully-formed from my head, largely due to the fact that Sousuke's predicament at the end of series 2 resonated strongly with me; there was a period a few years ago where I had literally no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew I couldn't stay where I was doing what I was. So I went on a trip to New Zealand, and many of the places Sousuke visited were locations I myself went to. As such, I've provided a few pictures in case anyone wants references, as well as some information about New Zealand, which is an amazing country full of amazing people. 
> 
> ++ Sea kayaking just off the coast of [Abel Tasman](http://i.imgur.com/KcGq3I7.jpg), a national park on South Island. [Hiking there](http://i.imgur.com/zhI54Og.jpg) is just as spectacular.  
> ++ The lighthouse mentioned in the fic is the [Cape Reinga Lighthouse](http://i.imgur.com/jEbWKsu.jpg) at the north tip of the North Island. It has some helpful [signs](http://i.imgur.com/sJlQY3E.jpg) in case you need directions.  
> ++ The volcanic mountain mentioned in the fic is ~~Mt. Doom~~ [Mt. Tongariro](http://i.imgur.com/oCMYuls.jpg), seen here from the lodge in National Park. Tongariro is where they filmed Mt. Doom & Mordor. The [views](http://i.imgur.com/GhhOB5o.jpg) were spectacular.  
>  ++ The neighborhood of a friend's family about an hour outside Wellington. [I wish my backyard looked like this.](http://i.imgur.com/GR8lLHc.jpg)  
> ++ The inspiration for Rinja's [jumping photos](http://i.imgur.com/52EByQn.jpg). Pictured: the author.  
> ++ Maori bone carvings, like many Polynesian traditions, are beautiful and carry a lot of significance depending on the carving. (They're also widely available all over the country, but there were many places where you could sign up to learn to make your own bone carving during a day-long workshop, as well.) Some information about them is [here](http://boneart.co.nz/meanings.htm).
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.


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